I am beginning to notice that my evolution as a runner is similar to that of my spiritual life. Of course the two are tied deeply together, as they should be.
I am becoming more aware of the onion effect. As I move along the running trails of life, another layer of the onion peels away and a new skin is revealed. This skin is beautiful, shiny, and does not come to the surface without it's share of tears.
I am discovering that running, for me, is becoming less and less social, and more and more internal. Perhaps this has much to do with the distances that I am challenging myself with, perhaps I am just becoming a crotchety old lady...
I naturally crave the company of others, at times to a fault. I will choose to spend time with those I around me when I feel I could benefit more from spending time in the classroom of silence where the true-self is exposed.
I love running with others. I love the way that we can push one another, encourage one another, and inspire one another. This is a very important aspect to what we do. But I am discovering another layer which has begun to emerge. I need to be able to run alone. I need to become self-reliant and not look for validation from those around me. I need to truly reach my goals on my own, for my own reasons, and as a result of my own blood, sweat, and tears.
I love to glean information from others, especially those who have done that which I hope to do someday. However, in the end, it is just going to be me crossing that finish line. No one thing that any one else does will get my feet to move one after the other, in beautiful synchopy until the race is done. No one else will be able to pull the strength from the pit of my guts to press on when it is the last thing I want to do. There is only One who can do this with me; for me.
I must honor that blessing with the gift of my attention. Being ready and willing to listen to what He is trying to tell me, to teach me. And while I do believe that He works through others, sometimes, the best place to learn about what He wants us to know about ourselves, what He is calling us to, is in His classroom of silence.
As I look forward to more intense training for the upcoming fall season, my challenge will be to look inward instead of outward, yet not be afraid to ask for help if needed. I hope to realize my limitations, embrace them, and push myself through them. I intend to pray as though it all relies on God (which it does), yet work as though it only depends on me.
As a result, I may take this blog private. It has never been a place for me to boast or brag and I pray that it has not become that, but I have this nagging suspicion that perhaps the "validation card" which I need to learn to live without, may creep in through this forum. I may also decide to leave well enough alone and just post race reports from time to time.
Whatever may come, only He knows...
Tuesday, June 30, 2009
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7 comments:
All I have to say is that wherever you go, take me with you!
Depending on your ego and your spirit the blog can either be a crutch or it is a means to meeting the challenges you set in front of you.
I am fully convinced that many blogs are nothing more than a "look at me - I need attention" exercise.
That said, there are many communal blogs with a family like feeling where when you state a goal you try harder to reach it because not only will you let yourself down, but your family of readers as well, if you don't meet the goal.
The fact that readers share in both your triumphs and your failures and that you can write equally well about both should count for something.
In the end, I believe that your intent, how you feel at the moment you put a sentence on the screen, tells you quite a bit.
Do you write about a good moment (perhaps a PR) because you are proud of yourself or because you want to point at yourself? There is a difference. In one case you sharing a happy moment with your family, in the other you are pointing at yourself and expecting attention.
You often have some of the most open, honest and beautiful blog posts of anyone I know. I have also wondered at times about whether or not I am writing for the "right" reason, and I can't always answer that question for certain--although I have edited at times to avoid appearing self-serving. At times I have found that I have inspired people without ever knowing it until much later, even though I did not think I had done anything worthy of being inspirational. However, I don't know anyone's blog that I read that I feel is less about self-validation than yours.
At times I run by myself and take in the wonders of the world around me, other times I just lose myself in my thoughts of what I am doing and how to become a better person, but at other times I need to be in the company of friends where I can learn from them or share the experience. Many of the best friends I have made in recent years have been because of running. Some have helped me through tough times and some have helped me share the good times, a few have been there for both, and one special friend helped me share an experience that was both wonderous and terrible that shook me to my core and has helped to rebuild me in ways only a few would ever have any idea of occurring.
I firmly believe that God crossed our paths at a tough point in my life a while back, and I found a special inspiration and am richer in spirit because of your example.
I have enough trouble with my own decisions to know what is right for you, but I have faith that if you do right by yourself on this decision, then you will also do right by Him.
You guys are the best! Your comments have touched me deeply, and I am so grateful to read your thoughts.
This is a "family" of sorts, and I am blessed to be a part of it.
You all inspire me as you live and blog about your experiences.
I suppose I just want to always be sure that I am doing as He wishes me to and that my "self" doesn't take over too often!
Thank you!
Karen, I've certainly enjoyed reading your blog! Reading about training for your ultra races, has been inspiring. What I love about blogs is seeing that we all have our good runs/races and our bad ones. We can cheer for each other or give a virtual hug...we see that we're all human. You know what's best for you, but I will really miss your posts if you do go private. :-)
Wow! What a moving, introspective post. It sounds like you are becoming your own runner, in a sense.
Aside from all the social events, magazines, gear, training, etc., lies the purity of doing something The Maker has so graciously allowed us to do.
Sounds like you are on your way to finding that balance we talk about.
Finally getting caught up on my blog reading. I thoroughly enjoyed this entry. Great perspective and a much-needed read on my part. THANKS for sharing.
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